Childfree Reflections

I know what you’re thinking,”What? She’s a pioneer in the childfree lifestyle? I thought she never wanted to have or raise kids”. You bet that’s right. Not one regret over living my childfree lifestyle. However, along this path I call “life”, I met some special children who came into my heart and stayed there. Here are their stories of what I call my son-daughter friends:

Denard Tyson: He was one of the first children I ever taught back in 1965! Recently, I found him on the Internet. He was flabbergasted that I remembered him. I couldn’t forget him. He drove me crazy! But I knew he one of those kids I had to reach! I always wondered what happened to him. He’s a retired conductor of the NYC subway system, father and grandfather. I was so relieved and delighted to know he’s had success and happiness along his life’s path.  Now, we’re still connected! Love you my little first grader!

Susan Coatney: I taught Susan in 1970 in a sleepy little town called, Fraser Michigan. Her infectious laughter, joy of living and delight in being in my second grade class as her teacher was felt. I know! I”m not supposed to have special students. However, she landed smack-dab in the middle of my heart and, as all the others you’re going to hear about, and stayed there. I never raised her or them. I never walked the floors as her parents did when she or the others I’m talking about were sick. I never went through the challenges of any of them becoming a teenager, or making poor choices in their lives. However, I’ve delighted in staying heart connected and seeing her and many of the others now as a mother and grandmother. I love you,Susan.

Lan Houng Nguwin She was my first forever ESL student from Woodland Middle school in East Meadow, New York, 1990. Her story of being placed on a boat with strangers and waving good by to her mother made my heart cry. Her mother who must have faced such sadness  knowing it was the best choice to make to get her our of Vietnam. For Houng, who lived for two years in the Philippines, alone, at the tender age 0f 12, her story and her triumphs have never ceased to amaze and warm my heart. Now, I see her as a dedicated mother of two children and wife of Phoung. Every time she calls me, I feel like doing a happy dance. I love you, Houng.

Jeilyn and Augustine Alvarado, brother and sister whom I taught ESL from 1993-1995. First I met Augustine. He was such a challenging young pre-teen. His mischievousness drove his teachers crazy. We bonded and I never had an issue with him. I thought then, and still feel, he was on of the brightest kids with some definite “baggage” he faced then and now. This year, I think he’s on the path to re-claiming his life with joy, great goals and success. He’s now 36. His sister Jeilyn and I are also close. I marvel at her, her choosing to become a mom, her honesty about that lifestyle with me and seeing her step up to the plate for her daughter and her husband. I love you  both so much!

Anna and Annie Chan: Another pair of sisters I had the honor of teaching English as a second language. I’ll never forget when we were experiencing the words “sad and sadness” they confessed they left another pair of twins on the streets of China. Their tears broke all our hearts and showed us how awful this was for them and their parents. They delighted me and their friends when they both wanted to be Chinese pop singers. They sang in the school talent show and wowed their friends and me! Now, they are both mothers and wives. Annie is also a real-estate agent. Jim and I had the pleasure of helping them all through their lives, even when they went to college. I love both of them.

Naznee Khan: I don’t know what brought us together. Maybe it was love at first sight? She was a fearful young girl from India. Our hearts connected and have never separated. She became an RN! She never forgot our class mantra of, “Never Stop Trying”. She’s now married to the love of her life and calls us almost every day.  Jim had the honor of escorting her down the aisle when she married a year ago. She and her husband are very much loved.

Johanna Gutierez: I met this young woman in a meetup for women. When I heard she spoke fluent Spanish, I immediately  bonded to her knowing I volunteered in a Hispanic community where I taught English. I needed help. She said she would love to help! That started a relationship we’re still enjoying. It went beyond her helping me. It went to heart connections that feel good. We see her a lot, speak and text every week and feel heart connected forever. She’s a joy to our life and a supporter of the childfree lifestyle.

None of these fabulous people I birthed or raised. All come to me from different needs or wants. One had to leave her country and mother for a better life. One was shunned by her family for making choices they didn’t agree with. One had an estranged relationship with her mother. One was taken out of an abusive home and placed in foster care. All needed me and I felt honored to be there for them. It’s not the same as raising a child! And, for me and my husband, it’s been a delightful experience.

I’m NOT saying those of you who can’t stand children or having them in their lives should feel guilty. Not at all. These relationships worked for us. It may not be a good for you. I’m not saying if I never knew them I would be yearning to have them in my life. It was and still is a good fit for me and now, my husband whose own daughters divorced us. (That’s fully revealed  in my book, “Confessions of a Childfree Woman”.)

So, on this last day of 2017, I share this story. It’s to inspire those of you who fear not having “children” in your life will make you have regrets when it’s too late.  I ask you to reach out, if that’s your concern. Find many magnificent younger people in need of support, guidance and nurturing. Check out being a mentor, Big Brothers/Sisters, Boys and Girls Clubs or many organizations in support of kids needing adult relationships.  For those of you who have no need for this, enjoy the beauty of your childfree lifestyle.

Happy New Year!

Marcia Drut-Davis

I’ve known the ignorant hate against the childfree by choice population. I met it face to face after being interviewed on “60 Minutes” in 1974. Hearing Mike Wallace mention “perverse” at the end of the airing led to my losing a job as a dedicated, loving teacher. I suffered death treats to me and my dog. I had to go past picket lines when I spoke. (My then husband faced no ridicule at all!)

The Internet didn’t exist then. Now it does. Enter the trolls!

Without any doubt, there are many people on the Internet who want to stop childfree by choice people from daring to share that choice. Some are part of very strict religious groups who feel it’s our human duty to ,”Go Forth and Multiply”. Some are people who feel they’re being attacked for their parenting choice and resent it. Some, because they may feel jealousy when we share the joys of not having the responsibilities of parenting. I have no issue with how they choose to feel. However, when they get on childfree sites and only want to hurt, condemn malign or threaten the childfree population, I take a stand against them.

I’ve faced this within the childfree movement itself!  There are very strict childfree people who feel you must adhere to the word “free” literally in everything you do. If you dare to claim being a stepparent, you’re not “free” of kids and therefore can’t claim to be childfree by choice. Most stepparents know they don’t raise kids! (There may be a few who do if the ex-wife or biological parent dies.) There’s another group of stepparents who may see stepchildren every now and then. At best, they attempt friendship with their step-kids. They do not raise those children. The Internet trolls feel angry and often try to get on sites where they know there are stepparents and taunt them, malign them and insult them.

If you have a pet, and use the word, “Furmom or Furdad, some childfree by choice feel you’re not childfree by choice. They’ve made their own Facebook support site where childfree by choice , pet hating people can go. I have no objection to that. however, when they purposefully go to the sites in support of childfree who rescue animals, and taunt, threaten or condemn them for a personal choice, I take a stand against this.

At a time when we should be coming together, helping and validating anyone who embraces the childfree lifestyle, I see divisiveness and anger rampant all over the Internet. These trolls are out to make people think their choices , if different from themselves, aren’t as worthy or valid. It’s a microcosm of the ranting, raving of trolls against political opponents, religious diversity (or non-religious support) or anything different than what they feel is the “right” choice or thinking.

To the parents or anyone who actually go on to the childfree by choice sites with one aim which is to take snapshots of posts, post to their own personal sites and get support, I have no words. I’m sorry you’re so brainwashed to believe anyone who doesn’t choose parenting is lower than the snails at the bottom of the ocean. You simply don’t know how many wonderful people are out their taking care of your kids with joy! You don’t know how many may be gifts to this planet in other altruistic ways.

Choosing the childfree by choice lifestyle, or changing from childless to childfree is a wonderful lifestyle option. There never should be anyone trying to stop them or feel they aren’t worthy of admiration. Me and my admin assistants will do what we can to stop this from happening on my sites.

www.Facebook.com/confessionsofachildfree woman

www.Facbook.com/confessionsofchildfreepeople

www.Facebook.com/Childfreelookingforfriendships

www.Facebook.com/childfreeyetI’mastepparent

www.Facebook.com/childfreelookingfor jobs

I fought many battles over the title of “childfree” by choice name.  After appearing on “60 Minutes” in 1974, I heard words like, “perverse” from the late Mike Wallace. It was my first lesson on the ignorance and ravages of pronatalism. After more TV interviews, newspaper articles and speaking engagements, I lost my job and faced death threats. Once, when speaking, I was escorted past picketing lines with signs reading, “Godless Bitch!” People I thought were friends backed off any heart connections. (The lesson is they were not true friends.)

It’s now 43 years later. I’m almost 75. I still face ravages against me from within the childfree movement. There’s a group who feel I’m a sham, disgrace and phony. Some even suggest my lifetime achievement award from the committee for International Childfree Day be taken back. Some accuse me of making money off the people I reach to support, educate and honor in their lifestyle choice. Selling my book, “Confessions of a Childfree Woman”, hosting nokid group cruises and being a keynote speaker at the up-coming NOTMOMSUMMIT in Ohio this October 2017, makes me look, in their eyes, as if I’m making a large income off the childfree by choice. I’m not! My rewards are in the letters I get, the outpouring of people all over this world and the inner peace in knowing lives are being changed, as they understand what “childfree” means. It also affects those faced with infertility. There’s a big difference with childfree vs childless.

The haters argument is I once tried my hand in being a stepmother. In their opinions, I can never say I’m childfree. They shriek that any stepparent can’t be considered ”childfree by choice”. I get it. They have the right to choose that definition. I, and many others, disagree. I attempted to be a friend to my husband’s two daughters. I never wanted to be their mother. They had one. In my first book, I tell the whole, sad but truthful story.

They took out of context when I wrote about the ephemeral moments I questioned my childfree choice. (Many have these on again, off again feelings. Many don’t.) However, they made it look as if I really wanted to have a child. By omitting the answers to when I questioned, I was perceived by those who never read the entire book as a joke.

I’ve led the right to choose the childfree lifestyle with passion, grace and dignity. I’ll continue to write, speak, blog and use my Facebook sites to reach the hearts against people whether stepparents, aunts, uncles, caregivers or volunteers to many children in need. I will defend those who can’t stand being with children. However, hurting them is unconscionable.

You who read this blog, buy my books, visit my Facebook sites, (www.facebook.com/confessionsofachildfreewoman.) come with me on nokid cruises, personally write to me and come to hear me speak are my oxygen. In my second, about to be “birthed” book, I talk at length about this challenge I’ve faced. To the ones hating me, I feel sadness. They truly don’t understand who I am, what I am and what I stand for. To my dying day, I will defend this awesome lifestyle even to those who revile me.