I’ve been away from this blog fighting cancer. I’m back… having won the fight!
Soon, you’ll be reading interviews about people following me from my facebook site: http://facbook.com/chidfreereflections.
The first will be one of our men. It will be a fascinating share of being childfree….. from his perspective.
HUGS,
Marcia
In this blog, I hope to give you pointers to stop any confrontation to remain childfree by choice. Remember, most of the time, people will mean well. They chose to have children. Many of them are happy. The ones who aren’t will rarely tell you that but want you to suffer along.
Remember:
1.Your goal isn’t to defend a personal choice.
Just like parents are rarely made to defend their choice, neither should you. A simple statement saying you prefer the childfree -by -choice lifestyle is all that’s necessary. Don’t go into details or pronounce how much you love kids when you may or may not. Don’t explain the myriad of reasons parenting turns you off cold. In my opinion, it’s none of their business. If you start getting the “BUT,BUT, BUTS, ask this question: “Are you happy being a parent?” Most often they’ll reply with exuberance, “YES!” Say, “That’s exactly how I feel. Happy!” If you get the,”You’ll change your mind or you’ll regret this someday”, say, “You may be right!” Then, walk away or change the conversation. If they say,”Isn’t that selfish?” Your answer is, “You may be right”. Change the conversation again. Get the picture?
Ask yourself if you have to win that conversation about not having or raising children? If anger is created and you feel your blood boiling because of others ignorance, “You may be right” then walk away! You can go home to the peace of your lifestyle. They can’t. (Off the record, if by any small chance they ARE right, I would rather regret not having children than having them.)
2. Timing is everything.
Pick the right time to be truthful. If you’re feeling annoyed at work, that’s NOT the right time. If you’re not feeling well, that’s not the right time. If there are more of “them” and less of your supporters, that’s not the right time. If you’re sitting at the Thanksgiving Table and the whole family starts attacking, revert to, “You may be right”. Then, change the topic!
The best time is face to face, in a private place in a quiet environment.
3.Once you tell the truth, you’ll feel happier.
In my memoir, “Confessions of a Childfree Woman” on Page 55, I wrote: “We breathed easier after telling my in-laws the truth: they finally knew we weren’t going to have children. It was as if pounds of worry and frustration had fallen away.” Of course you won’t be on a nationally televised TV show like I was on “60 Minutes”. You won’t be threatened with death and lose your job as a teacher as I was.
When you’re considered to be an “other” in any society, it’s difficult for you and those who go with the expected flow. Each feels the need to be right. Neither are. It’s a choice with consequences for both decisions. The added difficulty is for those who fear telling the truth. Sometimes, you have to be careful because I know what losing a job means to me now, at 71. My lower pension reflects those years I was blacklisted! And, at the same time, if you are fired for making a personal life choice, affecting nobody but yourself, an attorney would be there in a nanno-second.
Telling the truth gives you back control. You’re no longer a victim of cultural or religious influences. It’s freeing, and comforting to you. Why shouldn’t you feel as proud as any parent? Why should’t you live in truth and not fear of rejection? If you’re rejected, consider the source! Were they worthy of your connection in the first place? If it’s family who are supposed to be there you forever, that’s a myth. We’re born into family. Many family members would not be our choice of friends if they lived next door! If it’s a friend, have they really been a “friend” is you’re rejected? We can choose our own family of friends, neighbors, co-workers, or organizations that give us respect.
Tell the truth! You’ll love the feeling if it’s done with pride and understanding of your own boundaries.
http://aeon.co/magazine/nature-and-cosmos/pregnancy-is-a-battleground-between-mother-father-and-baby/
My facebook book site was temporarily closed down today not allowing me to post or comment. I feel Facebook slapped my hands saying the above article, “doesn’t follow the Facebook Community Standards”.
In my opinion, it was closed because of some ignorant person who perceived that article as a slap to the Madonna myth.
Read the article for yourself. See why, more than ever, pronatalism is alive and well and must be brought to the attention of others.
Dear Hearts:
When I hear a man wrote a book on childfreedom, I smile. Its happening more and more. In my opinion, it’s a welcomed addition to the many titles out there written by women, including my own book. Dann agreed to write the following for you. I haven’t had the chance to read his book and apologize to you and him. I will! My plate is very full right now.( I’m smiling because of that fact. )
Here’s the guest post from Dann. I urge you to read, comment and share anything you feel was a welcomed or new thing you learned.
Marcia
Childfreedom is a choice. It is a prescribed response to a series of questions we ask ourselves combined with observations of things going on around us. The choice is made while we observe parents running the hectic schedule. It could be something we have thought of as we watched families line up at the grocery checkouts as a cashier rings in purchases of diapers and formula. We often might get those reminders daily.
I knew from a very young age that I wanted to never have children. Although it was at an early age when I made the decision, it was a pretty firm one to make at the time. When I would hear anyone talking about not having children it was always from a female perspective. It was actually empowering to hear some of the older crowd in my hometown talk about how they did not want to have children. It helped me feel some validation in my direction.
Although I was very open about not wanting kids from a young age, having that empowerment from other sources was very inspirational and helpful. It would stand to serve as a way to remind myself constantly how perfectly ok it was that I did not want to have children. If there was any fear about talking about the choice, it did not stay with me for long.
The negative reaction to my childfree proclamations started as early as I started to champion the cause. These are comments that we have all heard already. “You’ll change your mind”, or “Who will look after you when you are older?” are my two favorite classics. I like my mind just fine and have no real desire to change it. As far as getting older, I want to look after myself. I pay into a healthcare system that I hope will still be there for me if I were to experience some issues. Besides, since when is the purpose of having children to breed personal care workers for yourself when you reach the stages of later life?
One thing that childfree men and women have in common is that they will get much of the same reactions when they reveal the choice to others. Comments like the two examples I suggested above barely scratch the surface of reactions. Some of the reactions people have gotten have been just downright offensive. Maybe you have one reaction or comment in particular that stands out the most. It can hurt. When it does hurt, take comfort in knowing you made the right choice for you.
With more literature appearing on the subject of being childfree, more people can find inspiration and empowerment from multiple sources. Bloggers are turning up with valuable words of wisdom about their own experiences as childfree persons. The subject appeared recently in Time Magazine and no doubt will turn up in news outlets again in no time.
The choice of childfreedom is yours. Childfree women (and men), know that you are not alone. I understand, and celebrate the choice with you.
William (Dann) Alexander is a freelance writer and author, based in Nova Scotia, Canada. His book “Planned UnParenthood Creating A Life Without Procreating”, is available through Lulu, Amazon and other online retail sites worldwide.
http://amzn.to/PUJsmQ Amazon US
http://bit.ly/OamxY6 Lulu
http://bit.ly/S5t7Mj The Book Depository
I’m touched and moved by this wonderful share that follows from Lance. Read it. Enjoy it and share it.
Marcia
by Lance Blackstone
I have to admit… being childfree has been fairly easy for me. First and foremost the woman I’ve been married to for 18 years, Amy, has known for many years that she doesn’t want kids. Effortlessly being on the same page with my partner has made my choice to be childfree less painful. Additionally, neither my family nor Amy’s has really given us any grief or significant pressure. I haven’t been completely immune though. There have been the occasional offhand comments and questions from family, friends, colleagues, acquaintances, and of course, complete strangers.
The most memorable questions for me have always been some variant of “When are you going to have kids?” The question really never bothered me much – it’s more memorable because of the effect my answer had on the asker. My response varied over time starting with the early “We’re probably not…” evolving to a more solid “Never!” as I became convinced Amy wasn’t going to change her mind about not having kids. In all cases my answer was accompanied by a huge grin. This usually appeared to fluster my questioner…Not having children? And so happy about it? Whuh?
That was always pretty fun for me.
Like I said, I’ve had a pretty easy go of being childfree. But there is one thing that really has affected me. That is watching a number of friends disappear into parenthood.
The list of friends that I’ve lost to parenthood is fairly long. There was the couple that lived in downtown Minneapolis who gave us never-ending shit for living in the suburbs…who then bought a McMansion in the burbs as soon as they got pregnant. There’s the colleague that accidentally knocked up another colleague; the first of an extensive list of bad decisions including marrying the woman and fathering more kids in short order. Like many other friends, after pregnancy, these folks’ lives changed to revolve nearly 100% around their kids. They seemed to acquire new friends, always with kids of their own. Meanwhile, Amy and I were essentially locked out.
Of all the friends I’ve ‘lost’ to parenthood, one in particular sticks out.
My best friend – let’s call him Joe – was a confirmed bachelor for the longest time. We spent a lot of our free time together… coffee shops, bars, and each other’s homes. We brewed beer together, sometimes with explosive results. We both loved to cook and drink Scotch, so gatherings featuring both happened frequently. He was always there for me and I’d like to think I was there for him.
Another bonus was that Joe and my wife were close. It’s not always true that your guy friends get along well with your wife. Trust me on this one. But Joe and Amy did, so when Joe met a woman and they got serious, we easily added her to the friendship. The four of us traveled together fairly extensively including trips to the family cabin in northern Wisconsin, a ten day trip to Scotland, and a long weekend in New York to name a few.
And then about 6 years ago everything changed. Joe and his wife adopted a boy.
Let me say this in no uncertain terms: Joe and his wife are exactly the kind of people you want parenting. They are great parents and they are raising a great kid; a kid that I like a lot. We knew this would be the case and that is why when they asked us to provide a character reference for them we didn’t hesitate.
However I can honestly say that I was horribly naive about how this would affect our relationship. Prior to fatherhood Joe was always the kind of guy that took care of people. He’s the guy that always showed up to help you move or build that deck or, in my case, pick up, acclimate, and put away shipments of marine fish at 2 AM. Suddenly that formidable caring side had a singular target that superseded all other obligations. His son became the center of his world and there was little time, money, or energy for me. This has continued to be true up to the present.
So, do I regret that character reference? Absolutely not. As I said Joe is a great parent and having a child makes him and his wife happy. That makes me happy. There’s also the kid, a boy that was in an orphanage in a 3rd world country, who now has a much better life ahead because of what Joe and his wife chose to do. How could I regret that?
So how does the story end? Joe and I are still friends and always will be but I miss him. I hope that as his boy gets older, Joe will find that he has more time for our relationship. Maybe I’ll have to wait until the boy is a man on his own. Who knows? In any case, I’ll still be waiting for my best friend.
Lance Blackstone and his wife, Amy, run the blog we’re {not} having a baby!.
Lance’s day job involves business analysis – and wishing he didn’t have a day job. He enjoys all things tropical – in particular, snorkeling and scuba diving on tropical islands and, when not on a tropical island, propagating coral in his home reef aquariums. Lance appreciates a fine Scotch or Bourbon now and again. And he’s an atheist with a snarky side.
Amy is a sociology professor who studies childfree families. When not conducting research or teaching, Amy enjoys holding the inside line of the track while skating as Wined Up (#13% abv) for Central Maine Derby, collecting frequent flyer miles, tasting and sometimes cooking kick-ass food of all types, and appreciating wine (preferably crisp, bell peppery whites and stinky, barnyard reds).
Together, we offer musings {sometimes sociological, sometimes snarky, and always entertaining} on the childfree life.
Book Review: “The Baby Matrix” by Laura Carroll
The last time I read any book on pronatalism, was in 1974. Ellen Peck wrote, “Pronatalism: The Myth of Mom and Apple Pie”. I loved that word repeating it as often as I could. I felt wise, erudite and filled with delight every time people said, “Huh”? And, sadly, people are still in the dark about pronatalism’s dangers and influences. Briefly, pronatalism means anything having to do with exalting the status of birth, birthing and parenting. Laura Carroll in her wonderful book, “The Baby Matrix” has accomplished a remarkable task bringing examples of pronatalism from1974 to the present.
In her introduction, she explains her title: ”In the movie The Matrix, the character Morpheus offers two pills top Neo if he takes the blue pill, he will go on with life as he has before, believing what he’s always believed. If he takes the red pill, he’ll find out what the “matrix” really is, and many of his earlier beliefs will be shattered.” She continues, “The Baby Matrix is the red pill”.
Her entire book unravels the old beliefs showing us why they no longer serve us or, why they were never true in the first place.
In every chapter, Ms. Carroll explores the assumptions pronatalism has encouraged. She carefully shows us what the word “normal” means and why we are led to believe the only path to normalcy is through procreation. Those who choose not to parent are deemed to be unhealthy or lacking something. People want to search for the answer. Was it their childhood? It must have been dreadful! Was it a flaw in their upbringing making them selfish or immature? Maybe it’s a psychological defect?
I thought of my own feelings and how I sought therapy because I simply didn’t want to have or raise a child. The joy of connecting to my therapist, Bonnie Weiss, showed me it was a choice and not a biological destiny I had to fulfill. Her forward is in my memoir! I remember a friend who is a psychologist who passed on the introduction to my book because she was afraid it would hurt the many patients she has coming to her for help as a mother facing the stresses of parenting. She is a product of pronatalism.
Ms. Carroll touches on many assumptions we feel should be a part of a normal life: marriage, fulfillment, having offspring to keep a family name going on, and one of my favorites; the assumption if you don’t have children you’ll be lonely and die wishing you never remained childfree. Ms. Carroll reminds us that the old parenthood agreement: “I raised you; now it’s your turn to help me”, is now antiquated. That may have worked years ago when the nuclear family lived around the corner or across the street. Not now
We recently visited my husband’s Godfather who is 93. He lives in a retirement community in Florida where they have banned together to help one another. They don’t have their children helping. Many simply live too far away. Many have their own family concerns or financial limitations. Many don’t care. Ms. Carroll points out had pronatalism never been in these older parents lives, they may have asked questions earlier and planned more carefully for their own retirements. She writes, “Instead of relying on their expectations, parents can take more responsibility for later years before they get there. This can end up not only working in their best interests, but in the best interests of their adult children as well”.
If you are childfree, I recommend this book. It could be the best gift you can give to your own parents, if you still have them or are connected to them, who may be perplexed or worried about your choice to remain childfree. It can also enlighten you and them as to what pronatalism is and why they don’t have to feel they did something wrong in bringing you up! In my opinion, you owe it to yourself to read this book. It will help you in the endless discussions some of you may face after declaring your wish to remain childfree.
Like Ellen Peck’s book, Carroll’s book is also for all of us, whether we are parents or not. Like no other book, it helps people become very aware of the social and cultural pressures surrounding parenthood, and paves the way to free themselves from those pressures when making parenthood choices. This will result in more people making the best parenthood decisions for themselves, will foster a society in which those who are best suited to become parents are the ones who have children, and one that knows what it means to bring a child into the world today.
I recently asked my Facebook/Twitter followers what they’re hearing when they say they don’t want to parent. I asked that question because some of my own friends and family seem to feel it’s an accepted, respected choice now. (Forgive them. They know not what they say!)
These answers are the exact same answers I heard when I announced I never wanted to be a mother in 1974. Can you add more? I’m sure of it! Feel free to do that at the end of this post.
“You’re selfish/materialistic.”
“I’ve been told that I’ll never be a real woman. Some people who don’t know I’m married have said I will never find a husband. I’ve been told that I haven’t met the right person (and the one who said that even knew I was already married). Sometimes I’m just asked if my husband is okay with it. I’ve been told that I’ll never know real love. I’ve been asked why I bothered getting married. I’ve been told that as an intelligent person, I’m neglecting my duty to contribute intelligent children to society (as if intelligence was strictly genetic). I’ve had people imply that as a person who doesn’t love children, I am in turn unlovable. Essentially, I’ve had my humanity questioned. As an army wife, I’ve had a few people tell me that I will regret not having children if my husband dies in Afghanistan because I won’t have a piece of him. Army wives with children usually ask me how I can stand deployment being completely alone. I’m still trying to figure out how they can stand deployment as a single parent.”
“You’ll Change your mind”. Then I say… “But, I’m fixed”. They say, “You can always adopt!”
“You don’t know what you’re missing! #2: “You’re still young. You’ll change your mind someday. #3: “But who will take care of you when you’re old?!”
” I usually get asked why and how I came to my decision.”I never ask parents why and how they decided to have kids.
“But that’s what women were made for! The sad thing is that sometimes the same people keep asking, like I’m going to have changed my mind from the last time.”
“But you’d be a great mom! What are you afraid of?”
“Worst is the nasty little smirk & the singsong, “Things happen!” – basically wishing an unplanned pregnancy on someone is just plain wrong!”
“My personal favorite? God will send the babies. THEN what are you going to do?” She didn’t like it much when I said ,”Um… have an abortion?”
“Usually wide eyes and a bewildered, “What?? Why?””
“I am at a point where I’m sick of having to explain myself. No one asks a mother/father to explain themselves. It’s usually along the lines of “you will change your mind” or “you will regret your choice”. Um, just because you regret your choice to have kids, does not mean I will! Misery loves company, I suppose. Lucky for me, I don’t like a lot of people around me ha ha. Think it has to do with the fact my job involves working with people and all I want to do in my own time is be with my boyfriend or family.”
“I guess I don’t understand why this is a big deal to so many people. So what if someone doesn’t want children? I think to myself how does that affect your life..it’s a choice people make..just like choosing anything. Not everyone wants or even should have children!
From a parent: “By the way, people are like that when you only choose to have one child..<gasp> you’re going to raise an only child? How selfish not to give them a sibling!”
So dear friends and family who can’t believe the need for my book and support sites, these are but a few of the venting shared on my facebook page. I rest my case.
Living the childfree lifestyle is different than living the life of a parent. You may have more time for yourself or find that you have an alternative set of responsibilities. Sylvia D. Lucas recently wrote a blog post about our unique lifestyle. 17 Truths About the Childfree is well worth reading. I am partial to number 15 myself. Do you relate to any or all of these 17 truths? Let me know in a comment below.
Three years after I started my journey, my memoir, “Confessions of a Childfree Woman” is about to be available as an Ebook. It took me three long years but I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel in trying to get a book published.
This memoir shares how I made the difficult choice not to parent and how that choice affected the rest of my life. As a pioneer in the childfree movement I share the shocking betrayal I felt being interviewed on “60 Minutes” . (The results of that TV interview may shock you too.) I delve into the years I spent as a childfree woman even sharing those times it may have made me sad. The time of menopause suggested another experience I never would have thought would affect me. Being a stepmother gave me insight into how difficult parenting truly is. Finally, I answer the burning question I’m repeatedly asked of whether or not, as a 70 year old woman, I have any regrets.
Stay tuned. It’s about to be easy to get my memoir.I look forward to how it helps you.
Tomorrow is another celebration of Father’s Day in America. Many dads will be treated to gifts, cards and family gatherings in their honor. Yet, many fathers will not hear from their children, feel the pain of rejection or isolated from the very children they willingly gave their hearts and souls to.
There are no guarantees that every man who has fathered a child will have their children’s love returned. Some children remain trapped in dysfunctional or irrational anger issues. Some children are not able to appreciate those things their father did for them. Some children are isolated from their dad’s from angry ex-wives who have poisoned their minds with false accusations.
Some father’s don’t deserve love from their children! They may have focused on their careers when they should have been present in their children’s lives. They may have become an alcoholic, drug addict or abused their kids. Just the name “mother” or ‘father” is not enough to be worthy of respect, love and admiration. It must be earned. It must be appreciated.
I am a lucky one. My dad was loved and knew that love from me. I have placed a Father’s Day card next to his photo and wish he was alive so I could tell him how much I miss him.
