Mother’s Day is approaching. I remember my mom. She was wonderful. However, it was a crapshoot. I won. Many don’t. Many are born to women lured into the myth of being a mother. From the time their first doll is placed, they’re filled with the game of being a mommy.
It’s not a game. It’s a choice too many take for granted without any clue of reality. There are no courses, exams or honest revelations about mothering. Because of pronatalism, which exalts the status of parenting in the media, arts, music and society, women dive in for that exalted title. Many never stop to question, “Am I parent material? Do I have enough money to raise a child? Do I know what the lifestyle really means? Would I be happier not raising children?”
If we’re honest, some should never be a mother.
I’m against Mother’s Day. I applaud those doing a good job in their profession as a parent. What? Mothering a profession? In my opinion, if it were thought of that way, there would be happier children and parents. Child abuse could be diminished. Sadly, the ones who say, ”I don’t want to be a mother” are often shunned, maligned or deemed to be immature, destined to change their minds. Or, worse yet, destined to regret their selfish choice. The ones who face infertility are seen as barren, doomed to face a life of incompleteness. We can never mention that many parents may have regrets too.
For me, I celebrate the freedom to carefully make life choices. If mothering equals nurturing, then I’ve done that. I’ve nurtured those I taught, my rescued dog, garden, husband and best of all, myself. Selfish? No. Smart. I happily, without any regrets at 73, chose the childfree lifestyle.
Childfree Reflections
With Marcia Drut-DavisArchive for the ‘Pronatalism/Policies exhaulting the status of birth.’ Category
You just read that right. All through last year, fighting cancer, I kept thinking when I won the battle of this awful disease, I wanted to meet the many childfree-by-choice people who have shown their love, support and gratitude. This is the opportunity I dreamed about. I’m working with a wonderful travel agency , K&E International, who got us a deal you can’t refuse!
The cruise leaves December 6-13, out of Miami, Florida to The Caribbean. It stops for a full day in a privately owned NCL island, the Cayman Islands, Jamaica and Cozumel.
Imagine being with like minded people who’ll never ask you, “How many kids to you have?” Or when you answer, will never say, “Why? or, “How selfish!”
The speaker we’re having on board is stellar in the land of the childfree: LAURA SCOTT, the author of, “Two Is Enough” will be with us!
What fun we’ll have not to mention the cruise line itself! It’s the luxurious NCL GETAWAY. It’s only one year old! You won’t believe it’s beauty and what it offers on board. The on-land excursions are guaranteed to be childfree as we have our own land agency for that! All stops on the itinerary offer a full day of fun unlike many cruise ships who only dock for a few hours!
If you’re interested …HURRY! Email me at:nokidcruise@gmail.com. Say you heard about this from my blog! I’ll attach all the exciting info. We only have a certain amount of of saved cabins at the price offered. We have more inquiries than cabins! All the cabins around me and Jim are already booked. ( Steve Harvey hawked this ship on a recent TV show with on-board videos!)
Much love to all. Hope to see you on-board and helping to make a memory we’ll long remember.
Marcia Drut-Davis
hometownnewsPostedReceiving any award is always an ago boost. When I heard the International Committee for International Childfree Day (August 1, 2014) chose me for their inaugural “Lifetime Contributor Award”, I had mixed emotions.
Why wasn’t I honored as their, “Woman of The Year”? Did they give me this as a pity party knowing I faced cancer this year? Finally, the word “Lifetime” made me feel old!
Then I re-thought the whole thing.
It’s an honor! I’m proud and feel excited to be worthy of this first time recognition. When I think of the 40 years or more I’ve fought the battle against pronatalism, faced so much in losing a job and being called ” perverse” after being on “60 Minutes”, had to cross picket lines when I had speaking engagements and the loss of friends, I sigh. Thinking back, it was all worth it. (Well maybe not the loss of a job as my pension now reflects the years I couldn’t teach!)
People keep telling me the choice not to have or raise children is accepted now and there’s no need for all this support. Really? How I wish this was true. If you could read the daily letters I get telling me they thought there was something wrong with them because they had no maternal or paternal feelings, you would cringe. If you could see how many accolades I get for fighting the fight, you would be surprised. If you could hear how many face being shunned by their families due to this personal choice, you would know we have a long way to go.
Internationally, pronatal influences are epidemic to have children. Religious and cultural expectations make it one of the most important things anyone can do whether or not they are parent material or know any of the realities in what it takes to be an effective parent. Where are any support systems for the childfree lifestyle? Are they ever mentioned in any schools? No! But students are still seen carrying around hard boiled eggs in a basket to teach the responsibility of being a parent. (I can’t make this up!) Where are infertile people taught about choosing childfreedom as a viable and rewarding choice and not being a victim of the barren tsk tsk tsking society.
If you think not having/raising children is accepted, tell your friends and family you are not having children. You’ll probably still hear: you’ll change your mind, isn’t that selfish or why get married?
There may be a few who say, “That’s your own personal choice”. I feel proud of knowing that can happen and feel I had a part of raising the global consciousness.
We have a long way to go. As I age, I hope there are more to carry on and get this wonderful award. The more we feel safe and proud to say, “I’m childfree by choice”, the more children have a better chance of children being born or adopted into the lives of people truly aware of what it means to raise a child.
At 71, I can say, without a doubt, I have no regrets. Childfreedom is one of the sweetest, fulfilling lifestyles anyone can have. I’m proud to be given this award and vow to continue to fight pronatalism.
Mother’s Day In America
By Marcia Drut-Davis
Before I share some heartfelt emotions, I want to honor those mothers, grandmothers and aunts who devote their lives to their children, grandchildren nieces or nephews. There are many deserving of adoration. How lucky for those children!
Sadly, in my opinion, the Mother’s Day celebration in America is another example of the dangers of pronatalism. It exalts the status of being a mother to something short of being a saint. Just the mere mention of the revered word “mother’ makes many swoon with love and joy. It discounts the many hearts hurting from abuse or indifference. It forgets those children who suffer from their mothers who were never parent material in the first place. It encourages more to get that title to become a part of societal or religious expectations so they can get the same attention.
We forget the damage to those facing infertility. They seem to view themselves as “less than” or barren. Look up the word “childless” in any thesaurus and see the negative words associated to infertile. Never are infertile people told about the sheer joy and freedom to live a childfree (not “less”) lifestyle. Never are they told how much they can give to themselves and humanity having more time to “mother” in other ways. It seems the only way is though a baby or child. Really?
How many women mother through their work? How many mother through being a passionate supporter of a green environment? How many mother as devoted neighbors to children whose moms may be forced to come home late? How many mother as concerned citizens volunteering in government, animal humane societies, Big Sisters or Guardian Ad Litem?
Until we, the childfree by choice, are given as much attention, adoration and accolades on International Non-Parents Day (which is August 1st) there is no equality and no understanding of how wonderful, loving and nurturing we can be without having or raising children.
Marcia Drut-Davis is author of, “Confessions of a Childfree Woman” on Amazon.com.
Last October, on the night of my actual 70th birthday, my sister and I flew to Prague. We stayed in Prague for two days before boarding a river boat cruise down the Danube. One highlight was our trip to Terezine, a concentration camp where beautiful Jewish souls were killed during the Holocaust. It was a difficult four hours on a special tour lead by a survivor of that camp. From time to time, her eyes would fill up even though she lead this tour many times.
I have seen many photos and read books where the horrors were brutally detailed. However, walking through that camp, being in actual places where barbaric things happened, I couldn’t help but have a stab of guilt.
Whispering in my ear was the voice of my beloved grandfather, Harry. “Mashinka” he said. “When you grow up, never forget what happened to four of my five sisters. (One of my aunts escaped by coming to America with her brother.) Never forget what happened to six million Jews and other innocent men, women and children. Have children to replenish their lost lives.
His words haunted me after I decided not to have children and remain childfree-by-choice. I would push the guilt out of my mind knowing I couldn’t agree to a lifestyle my heart wasn’t committed to. Children, in my opinion, need parents totally ready, willing and able to accept the responsibilities. I didn’t want them.
Recently, I met our local Rabbi from this area. We participated in a weekly discussion group amongst Muslims, Christians, Jews, non-believers and their leaders. The goal was to learn and grow in understanding of each religion. Differences were accepted, not condemned.The topic of religious expectations, when it comes to procreation, came up. When I mentioned I chose never to have or raise children and, from time to time felt guilty because of the expectation I should have children, the Rabbi spoke.
He said, in his opinion, what we do, here and now to other humans is more important. He mentioned how passionate I was as a teacher. He acknowledged how I touched the future through what I taught and how I lovingly treated those hundreds of children.
I felt a sigh of relief. Although intellectually I already knew that, hearing a clergy-person confirming that was a gift to my life.
What about you? Are you living with any guilt stemming from religious upbringing? Do you still hear people admonishing you for not following the religious expectations to “Go forth and multiply?”
I would love to hear from you.
I received an announcement for an upcoming chapter meeting from a wonderful women’s business support group called, ” Women’s Prosperity Network”. I’ve been thinking of joining because I’ve learned that writing a book is the same as having a small business if you want it to reach more people.
I was taken aback when the guest speaker for the next Palm City/Stuart group, chose the topic, “GOING FROM MOMMY TO MOGUL”. OK. It’s the name of her book. I have no objections to that. However, nowhere in the ad for her appearance does it suggest that anyone can learn from her book. When I wrote to the chapter president, who I know to be an incredible, inspiring woman, that night, I received an email from that guest speaker. She was defensive and angry and thought I was writing against her book or the title. OF COURSE NOT! She has the right to have her own niche in writing as I do in writing about the childfree-by-choice.
She’s speaking to a group of women. Period! Women. Is everyone in this support group a mother? Can it be that some are infertile? Or how about the one out of five woman choosing to remain childfree -by- choice?
It’s a dangerous and potentially harmful conclusion to think this topic wouldn’t be offensive to the women I just mentioned. For those sitting on the fence, it encourages the thought that of course, “success” comes with that revered title of , “Mommy”.
If we want pronatalism to stop, we must take the time to educate and express our feelings. They are real. They are important and, in my opinion, must be heard.
Women’s Prosperity Network is now global. I urge you to share your heartfelt feelings.wpnglobal.com. If we sit back, nothing will change. Right?
Pronatalistic Blog Posts: Can Freezing Your Eggs Help Your Sex Life?
No, the title of this post isn’t a late April Fool’s joke. You may be surprised, but I actually read this article on Yahoo this morning. Apparently all women want to have babies and freezing their eggs turns off their biological clocks. This in turn takes the pressure of starting a family off of their shoulders and allows them to have fun. Thankfully, we’re childfree and never heard the tick of an internal fertility clock.
So, what do you think of this article? What’s your reaction? Do you think this article is making the assumption that all women want to be moms? Do the majority of women you know want to have kids? Do you think this article is promoting the idea that women can safely have children in their early 40’s? Do you feel that is a realistic expectation?
Ellen Peck’s infamous 1974 book “The baby Trap” was the first time I ever heard of the word “pronatalism”. Once I read the definition and began to see how social expectations, media, the arts, and religion suggest normalcy as becoming a parent, I went on a hunt to find proof pronatalism existed. I found, and still find, ads in magazines and TV selling their products with children depicted.That product may have nothing to do with children but there they are! I’ve heard songs echo great love, joy and fulfillment about having children. Only recently did a song speak of abuse (Crystal Bowersox, “Farmer’s Daughter”) or parents needing a drink raising teenage daughters. (Martina Mcbride, “Teenage Daughters”) Weddings are seen as the start of a family of more than two when people don’t even know if the couple want, should have or can have children!
Are you aware of pronatalism? I invite you to watch your TV ads. What is the product or service being “sold”? Is it directly related to children or are children in that ad used to suggest it’s the goal of every person on this planet? Are the children all pretty, sweet, adoring? What’s being sold other than the product?What pressures have you felt through pronatalism?
In m book, “Confessions of a Childless Woman”, I share how my life was threatened and how I lost my beloved career of teaching for 16 years as a result of pronatalism.
