Mother’s Day is approaching. I remember my mom. She was wonderful. However, it was a crapshoot. I won. Many don’t. Many are born to women lured into the myth of being a mother. From the time their first doll is placed, they’re filled with the game of being a mommy.
It’s not a game. It’s a choice too many take for granted without any clue of reality. There are no courses, exams or honest revelations about mothering. Because of pronatalism, which exalts the status of parenting in the media, arts, music and society, women dive in for that exalted title. Many never stop to question, “Am I parent material? Do I have enough money to raise a child? Do I know what the lifestyle really means? Would I be happier not raising children?”
If we’re honest, some should never be a mother.
I’m against Mother’s Day. I applaud those doing a good job in their profession as a parent. What? Mothering a profession? In my opinion, if it were thought of that way, there would be happier children and parents. Child abuse could be diminished. Sadly, the ones who say, ”I don’t want to be a mother” are often shunned, maligned or deemed to be immature, destined to change their minds. Or, worse yet, destined to regret their selfish choice. The ones who face infertility are seen as barren, doomed to face a life of incompleteness. We can never mention that many parents may have regrets too.
For me, I celebrate the freedom to carefully make life choices. If mothering equals nurturing, then I’ve done that. I’ve nurtured those I taught, my rescued dog, garden, husband and best of all, myself. Selfish? No. Smart. I happily, without any regrets at 73, chose the childfree lifestyle.
Childfree Reflections
With Marcia Drut-DavisArchive for the ‘Parenting Education’ Category
hometownnewsPostedReceiving any award is always an ago boost. When I heard the International Committee for International Childfree Day (August 1, 2014) chose me for their inaugural “Lifetime Contributor Award”, I had mixed emotions.
Why wasn’t I honored as their, “Woman of The Year”? Did they give me this as a pity party knowing I faced cancer this year? Finally, the word “Lifetime” made me feel old!
Then I re-thought the whole thing.
It’s an honor! I’m proud and feel excited to be worthy of this first time recognition. When I think of the 40 years or more I’ve fought the battle against pronatalism, faced so much in losing a job and being called ” perverse” after being on “60 Minutes”, had to cross picket lines when I had speaking engagements and the loss of friends, I sigh. Thinking back, it was all worth it. (Well maybe not the loss of a job as my pension now reflects the years I couldn’t teach!)
People keep telling me the choice not to have or raise children is accepted now and there’s no need for all this support. Really? How I wish this was true. If you could read the daily letters I get telling me they thought there was something wrong with them because they had no maternal or paternal feelings, you would cringe. If you could see how many accolades I get for fighting the fight, you would be surprised. If you could hear how many face being shunned by their families due to this personal choice, you would know we have a long way to go.
Internationally, pronatal influences are epidemic to have children. Religious and cultural expectations make it one of the most important things anyone can do whether or not they are parent material or know any of the realities in what it takes to be an effective parent. Where are any support systems for the childfree lifestyle? Are they ever mentioned in any schools? No! But students are still seen carrying around hard boiled eggs in a basket to teach the responsibility of being a parent. (I can’t make this up!) Where are infertile people taught about choosing childfreedom as a viable and rewarding choice and not being a victim of the barren tsk tsk tsking society.
If you think not having/raising children is accepted, tell your friends and family you are not having children. You’ll probably still hear: you’ll change your mind, isn’t that selfish or why get married?
There may be a few who say, “That’s your own personal choice”. I feel proud of knowing that can happen and feel I had a part of raising the global consciousness.
We have a long way to go. As I age, I hope there are more to carry on and get this wonderful award. The more we feel safe and proud to say, “I’m childfree by choice”, the more children have a better chance of children being born or adopted into the lives of people truly aware of what it means to raise a child.
At 71, I can say, without a doubt, I have no regrets. Childfreedom is one of the sweetest, fulfilling lifestyles anyone can have. I’m proud to be given this award and vow to continue to fight pronatalism.
As a retired middle school teacher, I watched as my students ran around their school carrying little baskets with hard boiled eggs in them. The girls always added little blankets and bows on the top of their eggs. (One boy left his basket in his locker where that egg rotted!) The students were told this would teach them about the responsibilities in parenting…hoping to show them some realities and stop the rate of teen-age pregnancies. If the egg fell, it was “egg abuse”. If they didn’t want to watch their egg, they had to get someone to sign a paper saying they had egg-sat. Do you feel the schools are teaching enough about what the job of parenting entails? Do you feel it’s the schools job?
