Childfree Reflections

With Marcia Drut-Davis

Archive for the ‘Is a childfree lifestyle an acceptable’ Category

August 18th, 2014 by Marcia Davis

Reflecting on Lifetime Contributor Award to Childfreedom

hometownnewsPostedReceiving any award is always an ago boost. When I heard the International Committee for International Childfree Day (August 1, 2014) chose me for their inaugural “Lifetime Contributor Award”, I had mixed emotions.

Why wasn’t I honored as their, “Woman of The Year”? Did they give me this as a pity party knowing I faced cancer  this year?  Finally, the word “Lifetime” made me feel old!

Then I re-thought the whole thing.

It’s an honor! I’m proud and feel excited to be worthy of this first time recognition.  When I think of the 40 years or more I’ve fought the battle against pronatalism, faced so much in losing a job and being called ” perverse” after being on “60 Minutes”,  had to cross picket lines when I had speaking engagements and the loss of friends, I sigh. Thinking back, it was all worth it. (Well maybe not the loss of a job as my pension now reflects the years I couldn’t teach!)

People keep telling me the choice not to have or raise children is accepted now and there’s no need for all this support. Really? How I wish this was true. If you could read the daily letters I get telling me they thought there was something wrong with them because they had no maternal or paternal feelings, you would cringe. If you could see how many accolades I get for fighting the fight, you would be surprised. If you could hear how many face being shunned by their families due to this personal choice, you would know we have a long way to go.

Internationally, pronatal influences are epidemic to have children. Religious and cultural expectations make it one of the most important things anyone can do whether or not they are parent material or know any of the realities in what it takes to be an effective parent. Where are any support systems for the childfree lifestyle? Are they ever mentioned in any schools? No! But students are still seen carrying around hard boiled eggs in a basket to teach the responsibility of being a parent. (I can’t make this up!) Where are infertile people taught about choosing childfreedom as a viable and rewarding choice and not being a victim of the barren tsk tsk tsking society.

If you think not having/raising children is accepted, tell your friends and family you are not having children. You’ll probably still hear: you’ll change your mind, isn’t that selfish or why get married?

There may be a few who say, “That’s your own personal choice”. I feel proud of knowing that can happen and feel I had a part of raising the global consciousness.

We have a long way to go. As I age, I hope there are more to carry on and get this wonderful award. The more we feel safe and proud to say, “I’m childfree by choice”, the more children have a better chance of children being born or adopted into the lives of people truly aware of what it means to raise a child.

At 71, I can say, without a doubt, I have no regrets. Childfreedom is one of the sweetest, fulfilling lifestyles anyone can have. I’m proud to be given this award and vow to continue to fight pronatalism.

 

 

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Posted in August 1st., Childfree Award, Childfree Labeling and Perceptions, Childfree still need support, Expectations of Gender, Infertility, Is a childfree lifestyle an acceptable, Parenting Education, Pronatalism/Policies exhaulting the status of birth. | 2 Comments »

May 7th, 2014 by Marcia Davis

Mother’s Day In America 2014

Mother’s Day In America

By Marcia Drut-Davis

Before I share some heartfelt emotions, I want to honor those mothers, grandmothers and aunts who devote their lives to their children, grandchildren nieces or nephews. There are many deserving of adoration. How lucky for those children!

Sadly, in my opinion, the Mother’s Day celebration in America is another example of the dangers of pronatalism. It exalts the status of being a mother to something short of being a saint. Just the mere mention of the revered word “mother’ makes many swoon with love and joy. It discounts the many hearts hurting from abuse or indifference. It forgets those children who suffer from their mothers who were never parent material in the first place. It encourages more to get that title to become a part of societal or religious expectations so they can get the same attention.

We forget the damage to those facing infertility. They seem to view themselves as “less than” or barren. Look up the word “childless” in any thesaurus and see the negative words associated to infertile. Never are infertile people told about the sheer joy and freedom to live a childfree (not “less”) lifestyle. Never are they told how much they can give to themselves and humanity having more time to “mother” in other ways. It seems the only way is though a baby or child. Really?

How many women mother through their work? How many mother through being a passionate supporter of a green environment? How many mother as devoted  neighbors to children whose moms may be forced to come home late? How many mother as concerned citizens volunteering in government, animal humane societies, Big Sisters or Guardian Ad Litem?

Until we, the childfree by choice, are given as much attention, adoration and accolades on International Non-Parents Day (which is August 1st) there is no equality and no understanding of how wonderful, loving and nurturing we can be without having or raising children.

 

Marcia Drut-Davis is author of, “Confessions of a Childfree Woman” on Amazon.com.

 

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Posted in Childfree Labeling and Perceptions, Childfree still need support, Expectations of Gender, Infertility, Is a childfree lifestyle an acceptable, Pronatalism/Policies exhaulting the status of birth., Societal Responsibilities | No Comments »

October 16th, 2013 by Marcia Davis

Are Childfree People Wealthy”

Recently, on my facebook book site (facebook.com/childfreereflections) , I asked the above question. Here’s one reply that got to me:

“Not having kids allows me to be more generous with my money. Instead of having to feed an offspring, I often donate to nursing homes, single moms, missionary groups, and the humane society. That kind of financial generosity would not be possible from me if I had to feed, clothe, and support a child of my own”.

For myself, after being black-listed from teaching from my 60 Minutes exposure where I announced I never wanted kids,  my pension lost money I would have had if I taught straight through to retirement. My husband and I aren’t poor… but far from wealthy. The antiquated notion that not having children allows us to be filthy rich is just that, antiquated and ignorant. Sure some have more. But, as this wonderful follower shared, she gives of it to many worthwhile charities. People may not know that and list her as a selfish or irresponsible person just because she’s childfree.

So dear followers, I will open this blog post to your comments. It’s you who must be heard and not always me. You’re the heart of this important movement. The more we share, the more we learn, educate and can touch others.

Does not having children make you a wealthy person or couple? I look forward to your heartfelt comments.

Marcia

 

 

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Posted in Childfree Labeling and Perceptions, Childfree still need support, Is a childfree lifestyle an acceptable, social media lies, To parent or not to parent, that is the question. | 4 Comments »

August 31st, 2013 by Marcia Davis

What are the Childfree Hearing?

I recently asked my Facebook/Twitter followers what they’re hearing when they say they don’t want to parent. I asked that question because some of my own friends and family seem to feel it’s an accepted, respected choice now. (Forgive them. They know not what they say!)

These answers are the exact same answers I heard when I announced I never wanted to be a mother in 1974. Can you add more? I’m sure of it! Feel free to do that at the end of this post.

“You’re selfish/materialistic.”

“I’ve been told that I’ll never be a real woman. Some people who don’t know I’m married have said I will never find a husband. I’ve been told that I haven’t met the right person (and the one who said that even knew I was already married). Sometimes I’m just asked if my husband is okay with it. I’ve been told that I’ll never know real love. I’ve been asked why I bothered getting married. I’ve been told that as an intelligent person, I’m neglecting my duty to contribute intelligent children to society (as if intelligence was strictly genetic). I’ve had people imply that as a person who doesn’t love children, I am in turn unlovable. Essentially, I’ve had my humanity questioned. As an army wife, I’ve had a few people tell me that I will regret not having children if my husband dies in Afghanistan because I won’t have a piece of him. Army wives with children usually ask me how I can stand deployment being completely alone. I’m still trying to figure out how they can stand deployment as a single parent.”

“You’ll Change your mind”. Then I say… “But, I’m fixed”. They say, “You can always adopt!”

“You don’t know what you’re missing! #2: “You’re still young. You’ll change your mind someday. #3: “But who will take care of you when you’re old?!”

“You’re a disgrace to your kind! I can’t believe your mom had a child like you. She must feel sorry she had you.”

” I usually get asked why and how I came to my decision.”I never ask parents why and how they decided to have kids.

“But that’s what women were made for! The sad thing is that sometimes the same people keep asking, like I’m going to have changed my mind from the last time.”

“But you’d be a great mom! What are you afraid of?”

“Worst is the nasty little smirk & the singsong, “Things happen!” – basically wishing an unplanned pregnancy on someone is just plain wrong!”

“My personal favorite? God will send the babies. THEN what are you going to do?” She didn’t like it much when I said ,”Um… have an abortion?”

“Usually wide eyes and a bewildered, “What?? Why?””

“I am at a point where I’m sick of having to explain myself. No one asks a mother/father to explain themselves. It’s usually along the lines of “you will change your mind” or “you will regret your choice”. Um, just because you regret your choice to have kids, does not mean I will! Misery loves company, I suppose. Lucky for me, I don’t like a lot of people around me ha ha. Think it has to do with the fact my job involves working with people and all I want to do in my own time is be with my boyfriend or family.”

“I guess I don’t understand why this is a big deal to so many people.  So what if someone doesn’t want children? I think to myself how does that affect your life..it’s a choice people make..just like choosing anything. Not everyone wants or even should have children!

From a parent: “By the way, people are like that when you only choose to have one child..<gasp> you’re going to raise an only child? How selfish not to give them a sibling!”

So dear friends and family who can’t believe the need for my book and support sites, these are but a few of the venting shared on my facebook page. I rest my case.

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Posted in Childfree still need support, Is a childfree lifestyle an acceptable, Uncategorized | 2 Comments »