Childfree Reflections

With Marcia Drut-Davis

Archive for the ‘Expectations of Gender’ Category

August 18th, 2014 by Marcia Davis

Reflecting on Lifetime Contributor Award to Childfreedom

hometownnewsPostedReceiving any award is always an ago boost. When I heard the International Committee for International Childfree Day (August 1, 2014) chose me for their inaugural “Lifetime Contributor Award”, I had mixed emotions.

Why wasn’t I honored as their, “Woman of The Year”? Did they give me this as a pity party knowing I faced cancer  this year?  Finally, the word “Lifetime” made me feel old!

Then I re-thought the whole thing.

It’s an honor! I’m proud and feel excited to be worthy of this first time recognition.  When I think of the 40 years or more I’ve fought the battle against pronatalism, faced so much in losing a job and being called ” perverse” after being on “60 Minutes”,  had to cross picket lines when I had speaking engagements and the loss of friends, I sigh. Thinking back, it was all worth it. (Well maybe not the loss of a job as my pension now reflects the years I couldn’t teach!)

People keep telling me the choice not to have or raise children is accepted now and there’s no need for all this support. Really? How I wish this was true. If you could read the daily letters I get telling me they thought there was something wrong with them because they had no maternal or paternal feelings, you would cringe. If you could see how many accolades I get for fighting the fight, you would be surprised. If you could hear how many face being shunned by their families due to this personal choice, you would know we have a long way to go.

Internationally, pronatal influences are epidemic to have children. Religious and cultural expectations make it one of the most important things anyone can do whether or not they are parent material or know any of the realities in what it takes to be an effective parent. Where are any support systems for the childfree lifestyle? Are they ever mentioned in any schools? No! But students are still seen carrying around hard boiled eggs in a basket to teach the responsibility of being a parent. (I can’t make this up!) Where are infertile people taught about choosing childfreedom as a viable and rewarding choice and not being a victim of the barren tsk tsk tsking society.

If you think not having/raising children is accepted, tell your friends and family you are not having children. You’ll probably still hear: you’ll change your mind, isn’t that selfish or why get married?

There may be a few who say, “That’s your own personal choice”. I feel proud of knowing that can happen and feel I had a part of raising the global consciousness.

We have a long way to go. As I age, I hope there are more to carry on and get this wonderful award. The more we feel safe and proud to say, “I’m childfree by choice”, the more children have a better chance of children being born or adopted into the lives of people truly aware of what it means to raise a child.

At 71, I can say, without a doubt, I have no regrets. Childfreedom is one of the sweetest, fulfilling lifestyles anyone can have. I’m proud to be given this award and vow to continue to fight pronatalism.

 

 

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Posted in August 1st., Childfree Award, Childfree Labeling and Perceptions, Childfree still need support, Expectations of Gender, Infertility, Is a childfree lifestyle an acceptable, Parenting Education, Pronatalism/Policies exhaulting the status of birth. | 2 Comments »

May 7th, 2014 by Marcia Davis

Mother’s Day In America 2014

Mother’s Day In America

By Marcia Drut-Davis

Before I share some heartfelt emotions, I want to honor those mothers, grandmothers and aunts who devote their lives to their children, grandchildren nieces or nephews. There are many deserving of adoration. How lucky for those children!

Sadly, in my opinion, the Mother’s Day celebration in America is another example of the dangers of pronatalism. It exalts the status of being a mother to something short of being a saint. Just the mere mention of the revered word “mother’ makes many swoon with love and joy. It discounts the many hearts hurting from abuse or indifference. It forgets those children who suffer from their mothers who were never parent material in the first place. It encourages more to get that title to become a part of societal or religious expectations so they can get the same attention.

We forget the damage to those facing infertility. They seem to view themselves as “less than” or barren. Look up the word “childless” in any thesaurus and see the negative words associated to infertile. Never are infertile people told about the sheer joy and freedom to live a childfree (not “less”) lifestyle. Never are they told how much they can give to themselves and humanity having more time to “mother” in other ways. It seems the only way is though a baby or child. Really?

How many women mother through their work? How many mother through being a passionate supporter of a green environment? How many mother as devoted  neighbors to children whose moms may be forced to come home late? How many mother as concerned citizens volunteering in government, animal humane societies, Big Sisters or Guardian Ad Litem?

Until we, the childfree by choice, are given as much attention, adoration and accolades on International Non-Parents Day (which is August 1st) there is no equality and no understanding of how wonderful, loving and nurturing we can be without having or raising children.

 

Marcia Drut-Davis is author of, “Confessions of a Childfree Woman” on Amazon.com.

 

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Posted in Childfree Labeling and Perceptions, Childfree still need support, Expectations of Gender, Infertility, Is a childfree lifestyle an acceptable, Pronatalism/Policies exhaulting the status of birth., Societal Responsibilities | No Comments »

August 23rd, 2013 by Marcia Davis

Jewish Guilt For Not Procreating

Last October, on the night of my actual  70th birthday, my sister and I flew to Prague.  We stayed in Prague for two days before boarding a river boat cruise down the Danube.  One highlight was our trip to Terezine, a concentration camp where  beautiful Jewish souls were killed during the Holocaust. It was a difficult four hours on a special tour lead by a survivor of that camp. From time to time, her eyes would fill up even though she lead this tour many times.

I have seen many photos and read books where the horrors were brutally detailed. However, walking through that camp, being in actual places where barbaric things happened,  I couldn’t help but have a stab of guilt.

Whispering in my ear was the voice of my beloved grandfather, Harry. “Mashinka” he said. “When you grow up, never forget what happened to four of my five sisters. (One of my aunts escaped by coming to America with her brother.) Never forget what happened to six million Jews and other innocent men, women and children. Have children to replenish their lost lives.

His words haunted me after I decided not to have children and remain childfree-by-choice. I would push the guilt out of my mind knowing I couldn’t agree to a lifestyle my heart wasn’t committed to. Children, in my opinion, need parents totally ready, willing and able to accept the responsibilities. I didn’t want them.

Recently, I met our local Rabbi from this area. We participated in a  weekly discussion group  amongst Muslims, Christians, Jews,  non-believers and their leaders. The goal was to learn and grow in  understanding of each religion. Differences were accepted, not condemned.The topic of religious expectations, when it comes to procreation, came up. When I mentioned I chose never to have or raise children and, from time to time felt guilty because of the expectation I should have children, the Rabbi spoke.

He said, in his opinion, what we do, here and now to other humans is more important. He mentioned how passionate I was as a teacher. He acknowledged how I touched the future through what I taught and how I lovingly treated those hundreds of children.

I felt a sigh of relief. Although intellectually I already knew that, hearing a clergy-person confirming that was a gift to my life.

What about you? Are you living with any guilt stemming from religious upbringing? Do you still hear people admonishing you for not following the religious expectations to “Go forth and multiply?”

I would love to hear from you.

 

 

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Posted in Childfree Blog Posts, Expectations of Gender, Jewish Guilt for Not Procreating, Pronatalism/Policies exhaulting the status of birth., Regrets | 6 Comments »

May 12th, 2012 by Marcia Davis

Time Magazine Cover

ARGHHHHHHHH “Are You Woman Enough” is the title of the cover story causing  a ground-swell of negative reactions. I hate to even show this as it may get others to read but honestly, look what it’s saying.

If you’re a Mom, and you aren’t breast feeding till puberty, you’re lacking mothering skills. You’re not, “Woman Enough” . If you’re childless by choice or genetics, you’re less of a woman because you’re not even sharing any close encounters to any child you should be raising.

If only media would stop highlighting pronatalistic nonsense and start sharing real stuff like asking yourself: “Am I parent material? Do I really have enough time, energy and money to raise a child? Am I having a child because I don’t want to be considered an “other” in our society? Am I having a child to get attention? Am I having a child to get myself away from a boring job or schooling?

Placing a woman breast feeding her 4 year old son does more damage than help anyone.

Posted in Expectations of Gender | 1 Comment »

May 26th, 2011 by Marcia Davis

Today Show/Are societal roles defined by gender?

This morning, The Today Show featured a couple who are not telling anyone the gender of their newly born infant. (They have two other sons.) They want to allow this child to become what makes that child happy , content and comfortable.

It raises an interesting question: Are societal roles, such as wanting to become a mother …….defined by how children are raised? If this child has the choice of playing with dolls or trucks, choosing the colors pink or blue , wearing their hair long or short and choosing whatever clothes they want be it a dress or pants, can it make a difference? I will be interested in following this story.

So far, there is outrage towards the parents of this child.What’s your opinion? Did you feel pressured to think your biological destiny was to have and raise a child? How?

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Posted in Expectations of Gender | 22 Comments »