Childfree Reflections

Thank you so much to all the childfree men and women who sent in nominations for International Childfree Man and Woman of the Year.  The winner will be revealed on Non-Parents Day.  In case this is your first time celebrating, Non-Parents Day is August 1.  I hope you’re planning to celebrate your childfreedom this year. You can do it small, with a lovely dinner alone or shared with a caring heart or bigger with friends/family who support your choice.

I know I’ll be busy looking over the nominations with the rest of the childfree panel. I wanted to write this post to share some things on my mind having nothing to do with the contest..

The first thing is an important piece of advice on childfree dating.  I recently read about a childfree woman who got divorced from her husband, because she told him she didn’t want kids after they married.  She wasn’t sure if she wanted to have kids when she married him and never told him that important fact.  BIG MISTAKE! He didn’t stay with her.

I’m sharing this story so you don’t have to go through the same thing.  Be upfront when dating about your lack of desire to have children before things get serious.  If you aren’t sure about children you need to be honest and tell the other person how you feel.  This will save you a lot of heartache in the long run if your potential mate wants to be a parent. You may want to join a CF meetup or organization to insure you’ll meet like-minded people.

The second thing  is my response to a very inappropriate blog article that many of you have already vented about on Twitter.  According to this audacious article even though we choose not to have kids we need to help take care of other people’s children!. This counterpoint is on behalf of childfree men and women everywhere.

Point Counter-point:

Don’t Have Kids? Help Out Those Who Do!

Posted on Medium.com

Written by Elissa Strauss.

Point Counter-point by Marcia Drut-Davis, Author: Confessions of a Childfree Woman

When Ms. Strauss suggests to the childless or childfree-by-choice that all children should be our problem too, I had to sit back and breathe.  After regaining composure, I decided to bring facts to light apparently Ms. Straus never knew:

1. To suggest we, the childfree may have kids someday and feel the same way is ignorant. To threaten us with bad Karma is immature and ignorant. Just as parents make choices to have children and may feel happy, childfreedom is embraced and relished. People who may change their minds have many opportunities to have children. people who don’t like parenting, can’t get out of that choice easily.

2. Referring to her Whitney Houston quote, “Children are our future” although not cited as to where that quote came from, Ms. Strauss suggests it’s our responsibility to help a parent out! Has she seen the statistics of how many childfree/less people happily volunteer in a myriad of child-centered ways through organizations, mentoring or sending in their hard earned money? No Ms. Strauss. It’s not our responsibility to feel pressured to do anything for anyone’s children. Parents chose the career. Parents should take time to understand what that career entails and whether or not they can accomplish the demands or have what it takes to fulfill those needs if raising children. That’s why many of us never wanted it.

3. It’s true the US doesn’t have mandatory parental leave and falls short on reliable childcare.  Didn’t Ms. Strauss know that before she chose to become a parent? Sharing the feelings that we should have a communal approach to raising our children is ridiculous. There are many who, quite frankly don’t enjoy children. There are many who shouldn’t be near children. There are many who passionately care for children during the day in teaching, nursing or other child-centered careers and just want to chill when they get home.

4. As for getting negative attitudes when children are brought to restaurants, it’s not the children as much as the parents who seem to be clueless how to teach children behavior in public places. We must endure primal screams, parents allowing their darlings to walk to our tables for attention, smelly diapers and other awful experiences. If we say anything, we get the ugly stares. If we want to order a child’s portion because we’re older and can’t eat as much, or are students faced with limited income it’s not allowed.

5. Regarding parental leave and government- subsidized childcare, who pays for that? I guess we, the childfree/childless must do that too? To even mention reproductive rights getting more money is sad, in my opinion. Any money for pro-or con reproductive rights is from those lobbying for or against it.

6. Ms. Strauss finished her rant with “It’s as if everyone is telling us, Mom and Dad, you’re on your own.” I have no argument with that. Absolutely right! If you can’t take care of your own, can’t afford your own and can’t commit to the requirements of having a child… don’t! Please don’t tell those of us who can’t have, don’t want to have or shouldn’t have kids we’re responsible for your children.

Finally, I feel bad for Ms. Straus. She’s been the innocent victim of pronatalism. She’s probably heard from her youth when her first dolly was placed in her arms, having a baby is a biological destiny, filled with joy. If she’s a religious person, the mantra of “Go forth and multiply” has been drummed into her head. If she’s sees ads extolling this or that product with that adorable baby (having nothing to do with the product) she wants to have one of them. If she sees magazine covers with famous women showing off their huge bellies, she wants to be like that and get all the attention. She probably never had any realistic education in her schooling about the realities, not the myths of raising one child. I’m sure the joys of the childfree lifestyle were never mentioned as a viable choice.

I suggest Ms. Strauss rants at that and not us, the childfree/less people.

The weekend is here.  I’m grateful for that.  As you know, living childfree is very fulfilling. Therefore, schedules can be quite full during the week. I thought I’d change things a little this weekend while sharing some thoughts with you.

The first thing I’ve thought about is the praise I’ve received from the men and women who read my book.  I feel overjoyed, and sometimes brought to tears when I read your heartfelt messages.  It means the world to me that you’re  helped or supported reading my memoir.  It’s truly the highlight of my childfree legacy  considering the world told me I would never have this moment.  Here is a big cyberspace hug to everyone.

The second thing I’ve  thought about is the power of Twitter and Facebook.  Thank you to all the childfree men and women who have  interacted with me through that media. I love reading your answers to the questions I post.  I also enjoy reading your comments on different childfree videos and blog posts that I post. Please continue doing that. You’ve made me feel like a welcomed member of the online childfree community. For that, I’m very grateful.

If you ever have  questions or need any advice, please ask.  There are no stupid questions. I’m always available for me childfree friends.  If I could meet you all, I would.

The third thing I’ve been thinking about is an article that extols parenthood to the nth degree.  There were so many points made in this article that didn’t sit well with me.  I wrote counterpoint reflections after each point Ms. Zipp  shared.  There will be more point-counterpoint reflections in the near future.

Feel free to comment too!

10 Ways Motherhood Makes You Feel Younger.

By Michelle Zipp

Point, counter/point

By Marcia Drut-Davis, Author “Confessions of a Childfree Woman”

Sometimes, I shake my head in disbelief when I read something that doesn’t make sense. Now, don’t get me wrong! I’m sure the woman who wrote the 10 ways being a mom made her feel young shared honest feelings. The danger is when people read this and think, “I’m missing that! I want to feel young too and I have no kids.” For those people, here’s my take on 10 ways not being a mother can make you feel young.

1. Halloween Dress Up. I don’t have to spend hours walking with my children door to door then sifting through their candy looking for needles or poison. The stress of Halloween is gone making me feel younger and peaceful while parents are worrying, watching and caring for their children as they should.

2. Taking Naps with Kids. I prefer choosing when and if I want to take any nap. Love those rainy days when I snuggle in my bed with a good read and drift off to a wonderful, refreshing nap. Parents have to grab them when they can, if they can.

3. Playing with Kids Toys: I have my own toys: my Kindle to read great books, my tennis racket to enjoy when and if I want to, my piano to sit and enjoy when and if I want to, my gardening tools to use when and if I want to, my mat to do yoga when and if I want to, my beach chair and blanket to use when and if a I want to and so much more. (The “when and if I want to” words aren’t any part of a parent’s lexicon unless they have a nanny.) My husband has a model train room with his own toys. No kids interrupt this hobby. He gets to do it whenever he wants to.

4.Watching Cartoons Parents can feel “high on a cloud” watching Yo Gabba Gabba. Really? I prefer to watch my own amusing TV or no TV at all. Yo Gabba Gabba isn’t high on my list.

5. You feel like you know nothing. That’s making you feel “young”? In my opinion, that makes you feel dumb! It’s true parents know very little about how to raise or take care of children. I would find that to feel frustrating and even frightening and not youthful.

6.You’ll Dread Prom Night . In my opinion, this does not make anyone feel younger! In fact, it helps grow earlier gray hairs worrying about the safety of child on that night. For me, not worrying about whether or not my daughter will engage in sex and not be protected or whether my son will drink and have a car accident makes me feel older, not younger.

7. Acne Really? You want to feel younger by having hormonal acne after having a child? Really? I prefer going to get a rejuvenating facial and not worrying about the expense or time I spend there. That makes me look and feel younger.

8. Playing loud music and singing. I do it all the time in the shower and my car, alone, without hearing, “MOM! Stop that!

9. Running  I agree. Running can make you feel better and help you stay healthier to preserve youth. However, I choose to run when I want to and not after kids all day. (Or, taking them to all their after-school activities.)

10. Amusement Parks Did I really read that sitting on a toddlers choo-choo train is fun and makes you feel young? I prefer Disney adult rides than waiting for hours to go round and round in a boring ride feeling my butt stuck to the sides of the seat.

Feeling younger is a result of lifestyle, heredity and wise choices. For me, living the childfree lifestyle gives me opportunities to take better care of myself and enjoy life.

At 70 years young, I’m going strong, look terrific and can’t wait for what happens next.

 P.S. If you enjoyed this post, you may be interested in reading my book.