Childfree Reflections

August 20th, 2014 by Marcia Davis

A FASCINATING READ, IN MY OPINION!

http://aeon.co/magazine/nature-and-cosmos/pregnancy-is-a-battleground-between-mother-father-and-baby/

My facebook book site was temporarily closed down today not allowing me to post or comment. I feel Facebook slapped my hands saying the above article, “doesn’t follow the Facebook Community Standards”.

In my opinion, it was closed because of some ignorant person who perceived that article as a slap to the Madonna myth.

Read the article for yourself. See why, more than ever, pronatalism is alive and well and must be brought to the attention of others.

Tags: childfree, facebook/sensoring, Madonna myth, pronatalism
Posted in Uncategorized | No Comments »

August 18th, 2014 by Marcia Davis

Reflecting on Lifetime Contributor Award to Childfreedom

hometownnewsPostedReceiving any award is always an ago boost. When I heard the International Committee for International Childfree Day (August 1, 2014) chose me for their inaugural “Lifetime Contributor Award”, I had mixed emotions.

Why wasn’t I honored as their, “Woman of The Year”? Did they give me this as a pity party knowing I faced cancer this year? Finally, the word “Lifetime” made me feel old!

Then I re-thought the whole thing.

It’s an honor! I’m proud and feel excited to be worthy of this first time recognition. When I think of the 40 years or more I’ve fought the battle against pronatalism, faced so much in losing a job and being called ” perverse” after being on “60 Minutes”, had to cross picket lines when I had speaking engagements and the loss of friends, I sigh. Thinking back, it was all worth it. (Well maybe not the loss of a job as my pension now reflects the years I couldn’t teach!)

People keep telling me the choice not to have or raise children is accepted now and there’s no need for all this support. Really? How I wish this was true. If you could read the daily letters I get telling me they thought there was something wrong with them because they had no maternal or paternal feelings, you would cringe. If you could see how many accolades I get for fighting the fight, you would be surprised. If you could hear how many face being shunned by their families due to this personal choice, you would know we have a long way to go.

Internationally, pronatal influences are epidemic to have children. Religious and cultural expectations make it one of the most important things anyone can do whether or not they are parent material or know any of the realities in what it takes to be an effective parent. Where are any support systems for the childfree lifestyle? Are they ever mentioned in any schools? No! But students are still seen carrying around hard boiled eggs in a basket to teach the responsibility of being a parent. (I can’t make this up!) Where are infertile people taught about choosing childfreedom as a viable and rewarding choice and not being a victim of the barren tsk tsk tsking society.

If you think not having/raising children is accepted, tell your friends and family you are not having children. You’ll probably still hear: you’ll change your mind, isn’t that selfish or why get married?

There may be a few who say, “That’s your own personal choice”. I feel proud of knowing that can happen and feel I had a part of raising the global consciousness.

We have a long way to go. As I age, I hope there are more to carry on and get this wonderful award. The more we feel safe and proud to say, “I’m childfree by choice”, the more children have a better chance of children being born or adopted into the lives of people truly aware of what it means to raise a child.

At 71, I can say, without a doubt, I have no regrets. Childfreedom is one of the sweetest, fulfilling lifestyles anyone can have. I’m proud to be given this award and vow to continue to fight pronatalism.

Tags: childfree awards, childfreedom, lifestyles
Posted in August 1st., Childfree Award, Childfree Labeling and Perceptions, Childfree still need support, Expectations of Gender, Infertility, Is a childfree lifestyle an acceptable, Parenting Education, Pronatalism/Policies exhaulting the status of birth. | 2 Comments »

May 7th, 2014 by Marcia Davis

Mother’s Day In America 2014

Mother’s Day In America

By Marcia Drut-Davis

Before I share some heartfelt emotions, I want to honor those mothers, grandmothers and aunts who devote their lives to their children, grandchildren nieces or nephews. There are many deserving of adoration. How lucky for those children!

Sadly, in my opinion, the Mother’s Day celebration in America is another example of the dangers of pronatalism. It exalts the status of being a mother to something short of being a saint. Just the mere mention of the revered word “mother’ makes many swoon with love and joy. It discounts the many hearts hurting from abuse or indifference. It forgets those children who suffer from their mothers who were never parent material in the first place. It encourages more to get that title to become a part of societal or religious expectations so they can get the same attention.

We forget the damage to those facing infertility. They seem to view themselves as “less than” or barren. Look up the word “childless” in any thesaurus and see the negative words associated to infertile. Never are infertile people told about the sheer joy and freedom to live a childfree (not “less”) lifestyle. Never are they told how much they can give to themselves and humanity having more time to “mother” in other ways. It seems the only way is though a baby or child. Really?

How many women mother through their work? How many mother through being a passionate supporter of a green environment? How many mother as devoted neighbors to children whose moms may be forced to come home late? How many mother as concerned citizens volunteering in government, animal humane societies, Big Sisters or Guardian Ad Litem?

Until we, the childfree by choice, are given as much attention, adoration and accolades on International Non-Parents Day (which is August 1^st) there is no equality and no understanding of how wonderful, loving and nurturing we can be without having or raising children.

Marcia Drut-Davis is author of, “Confessions of a Childfree Woman” on Amazon.com.

Tags: childfree, Mpther's Day
Posted in Childfree Labeling and Perceptions, Childfree still need support, Expectations of Gender, Infertility, Is a childfree lifestyle an acceptable, Pronatalism/Policies exhaulting the status of birth., Societal Responsibilities | No Comments »

February 13th, 2014 by Marcia Davis

The Gifts of Cancer

By Marcia Drut-Davis

Before I share my gifts, I must state having cancer or any other serious illness is awful. I will never say it’s a walk in the park. My heart goes out to brave survivors fighting any serious disease and to the people loving and supporting them. That being said I’ve experienced many gifts of having cancer.

I was diagnosed the day after Christmas. It was a shock. I’m still in shock after having had a very healthy life to this age of 71. How could this happen? I ate well, exercised and faithfully took care of my body, mind and spirit. My nephew remarked, ”Aunt Marcia? Are you kidding me? With all her health foods and vitamins!”

Why not me? Of course I could be challenged with this disease, as too many others are every day. Cancer doesn’t discriminate. It just exists.

It didn’t take long for me to see that having this illness opened the door to many heartfelt realizations. I’ve had daily texts, emails, tweets and phone calls from those loving me. There have been times I can’t speak due to the ravages of chemo. But, those sending those heartfelt wishes and prayers have been the first gifts. Those who continue to reach out make me smile every time. They show genuine compassion and touch my heart every time.

The nurses and doctors I’ve met on this journey from Jupiter’s South Florida Radiation and Oncology have been overwhelmingly awesome. Dr. Sheih and Dr. Shapiro will forever stay in my heart. I’m not just another patient. They care. One nurse gave me her personal cell phone. I had a question one night and called. I didn’t want to bother her but had a pressing concern. To my delight, she immediately answered on the way to food shopping at Publix! To you, Cathy, I give my gratitude for your genuine love and compassion. To Dr. Valerie Barret from Renu Facial Aesthetics who got me a biopsy right before Xmas (when no docs were available) and who continually texts me her prayers and heartfelt love, I’ll forever know what a gift you are to my life. To Dr. Jayshree Matadial, who pushed me though with the needed colonoscopy and made sure I got the required heart clearance; you’re now a forever friend and not just a doctor. To Dr. Sri Ghanta from Anchor Dentistry in Port Salerno, who got me connected to Dr. Kimberly Dettori on a Sunday when I thought I needed a root canal, I felt your concern. She opened her office early Monday on the day I was to start chemo and thankfully, told me I didn’t need that root canal! She never charged me. Do you see these gifts to my life?

It was raining and dreary one day. One of my daughter-friends said it was such a gloomy and awful day! I corrected her reminding her we are alive! Watching the precious rain coming down, seeing the plants and critters drinking in that rain is joyful. I love each day and see them as gifts never to be taken for granted.

Sitting in my backyard, I’m touched by the beauty of nature. Every bird, cloud, creature scurrying around, or dove sitting on my birdbath means more to me now, than ever before. Every tree, flower or lone tomato that got through our cold spell makes me smile.

Some local businesses have proven they’re not just a business out for my money. They’re truly caring people. To Kathy, owner of Wigs For You on Federal Highway, who tenderly helped me choose a wig and insisted I not purchase it until I needed it, I’m grateful for your honesty. You could have easily made a sale that day but insisted I wait. She is a cancer survivor herself.

To Ritz Ballroom in Jupiter, thanks for leaving me two tickets to see my precious chemo nurse Kaiko dance her waltz in a showcase. David Cook, understood I didn’t know for sure if I could attend so he never asked me for a dime. Instead, he left those tickets without asking for payment. I will be there for lessons once this is over!

To Tracy, our dog trainer from Petco and Lynn Barton from Barton’s Jewelers who offered to take our yipping Chihuahua for a day, at no cost to us, that was above and beyond and very much appreciated! We haven’t done that yet but knowing you’re there is wonderful. Yipping dogs can get to a person not feeling well.

To those who offered to take me to treatment: Jane, Linda, Rose, Heidi, Sheri and Tania, you helped me and gave my Jim a day off. It’s a gift for him as well as me. Never forget that caregiver and what they are dealing with.

To my dear neighbors Adrian and Jane and my sister’s sister in law Jill who made me home made soups that helped me through the rough times when chemo made me unable to eat whole foods, taking the time to do that is a testimony to caring neighbors and friends.

To my husband Jim Davis, I can’t find the words on this keyboard to tell you how much your love and support means to me. You’ve picked me up when I thought I couldn’t go another day. You’ve allowed me to vent, cry or take out my frustrations on yourself. You’ve shopped for food, taken me to my treatments, cooked dinner, walked our dog and tried to continue your computer repair business all at the same time. As my hair started falling out, you assured me I was still beautiful. I didn’t believe you but my heart melted. I’m blessed to have you.

To my loyal followers who have read my book and loved what they received from it, it’s you who have also kept me going. I still have so many more hearts to connect with. The simple joys of a childfree lifestyle are important choices to consider. The end of pronatalism must be fought.

To my dog Pippa, our 8 pound Chihuahua, you know something’s wrong. You cuddle with me more and sadly stare into my eyes on the bed. Many times, seeing your little body spooning next to me is another gift during these challenging times. I’m sorry if I yelled at you when your barking seemed to be incessant. You’re just defending me feeling something is wrong in our family.

I’ve also learned some valuable lessons:

1. Never ask any patient in chemo or radiation how they’re doing. Trust me. They aren’t doing well. Asking makes them focus on how they’re feeling. Instead, simply tell them how much you care about them. Ask them if there’s anything you can do. Then, do it! Tell them you feel so badly for what they’re going through. If they do tell you they feel awful, don’t tell them it will be worth it! Don’t tell them their hair will grow back! Tell them how awful that must be. Sympathize with them.

2. If you can, buy anyone facing a serious illness, “The Secret” by Rhonda Byrne. This philosophy has come in handy in my darkest hours. It also helps any caregivers to support people going through illnesses. “The Law Of Attraction” should be required reading or listening. I suggest the CD.

3. Never take a hemorrhoid for granted! If there’s any bleeding, go immediately to your gastroenterologist! Don’t die of embarrassment. Make sure it’s just that hemorrhoid and not any cancer. If you’ve not had a colonoscopy, think about making an appointment immediately! If I can save one life from this plea, it’s worth it.

Cancer is a terrible challenge to overcome. Knowing there are people there for you who care and offer their heartfelt love is something I’ll never forget. I’m grateful to experience and share these gifts of cancer.

Tags: cancer, childfree followers
Posted in Cancer, The Gift of Cancer | 2 Comments »

November 29th, 2013 by Marcia Davis

Adoration For Recognising the Childfree Choice Never Gets Old!

Jim and I went to The Miami Book Fair last week-end. It was the first time I showed, “Confessions of a Childfree Woman” to hoards of people walking past our booth. I learned a lot. I experienced many visceral reactions.

I learned and will never forget, there are too many people still under the misconception that not wanting to have children is a sign of a genetic mutation. I’ll never forget the young women who stood there, wide eyed and then hugged me after we spoke. Then there was a young couple, walking hand in hand who purchased the book, smiled and said they really needed to read and discuss it. Whatever there choice is, I wish them well. Sadly, I’ll never forget the woman who stood there and cried saying she wished she knew there was any choice before she had her son. It was too late for her now but remains in-printed in me as testimony why my memoir is important in a pronatal world.

The experience of that day inspired me to keep on keeping on. Seeing the growing number of “likes” on my facebook page, (facebook.com/ChildfreeReflections), getting more and more followers on Twitter and reading the glowing reviews on Amazon, adoring the book (except for one angry soul) is like devouring a hot fudge sundae and enjoying every minute, without guilt!

I also learned from now on I will only go to book clubs, specially selected events, or speaking engagements from all the wonderful support organizations for the childfree. When you are in a venue of over 200,000 people, many of whom are over 60, have already had kids or really interested in books of celebrities, it’s not worth going. However in saying that, those who bought the book were all worth the effort.

Are you interested in having me speak at any event?

Hugs,

Marcia

Tags: childfree, memoir, parenting edication
Posted in Adoration Without Guilt, Childfree still need support | No Comments »

November 17th, 2013 by Marcia Davis

First Webinar

Dear Childfree Family:

Tomorrow, Sunday, the 17th of November at 8:00PM, EST in the USA, we’ll attempt our first webinar.

You’ll be invited if you already downloaded the free resource guide and left us your email, or, you can get to my facebook site. facebook.com/ChildfreeReflections

A link to the webinar will be sent. All you do is click on it! (Some may have to download their google hangout software. It’s safe and easy.)

We may have some first time “errors” but we’re in this together.

The topic will be “Thanksgiving in America”. ….Is it something you look forward to or dread because of all the pronatalistic pressures.

Canada already had their holiday and many will share their heartfelt experiences.

Can’t wait to be connected with you with this first webinar.

Cyber-space hugs.

Marcia

Tags: childfree, childfree webinar, lifestyle, non-parenting
Posted in WEBINAR | No Comments »

November 12th, 2013 by Marcia Davis

Guest Post from William (Dann) Alexander -Another man’s point of view

Dear Hearts:

When I hear a man wrote a book on childfreedom, I smile. Its happening more and more. In my opinion, it’s a welcomed addition to the many titles out there written by women, including my own book. Dann agreed to write the following for you. I haven’t had the chance to read his book and apologize to you and him. I will! My plate is very full right now.( I’m smiling because of that fact. )

Here’s the guest post from Dann. I urge you to read, comment and share anything you feel was a welcomed or new thing you learned.

Marcia

Childfreedom is a choice. It is a prescribed response to a series of questions we ask ourselves combined with observations of things going on around us. The choice is made while we observe parents running the hectic schedule. It could be something we have thought of as we watched families line up at the grocery checkouts as a cashier rings in purchases of diapers and formula. We often might get those reminders daily.

I knew from a very young age that I wanted to never have children. Although it was at an early age when I made the decision, it was a pretty firm one to make at the time. When I would hear anyone talking about not having children it was always from a female perspective. It was actually empowering to hear some of the older crowd in my hometown talk about how they did not want to have children. It helped me feel some validation in my direction.

Although I was very open about not wanting kids from a young age, having that empowerment from other sources was very inspirational and helpful. It would stand to serve as a way to remind myself constantly how perfectly ok it was that I did not want to have children. If there was any fear about talking about the choice, it did not stay with me for long.

The negative reaction to my childfree proclamations started as early as I started to champion the cause. These are comments that we have all heard already. “You’ll change your mind”, or “Who will look after you when you are older?” are my two favorite classics. I like my mind just fine and have no real desire to change it. As far as getting older, I want to look after myself. I pay into a healthcare system that I hope will still be there for me if I were to experience some issues. Besides, since when is the purpose of having children to breed personal care workers for yourself when you reach the stages of later life?

One thing that childfree men and women have in common is that they will get much of the same reactions when they reveal the choice to others. Comments like the two examples I suggested above barely scratch the surface of reactions. Some of the reactions people have gotten have been just downright offensive. Maybe you have one reaction or comment in particular that stands out the most. It can hurt. When it does hurt, take comfort in knowing you made the right choice for you.

With more literature appearing on the subject of being childfree, more people can find inspiration and empowerment from multiple sources. Bloggers are turning up with valuable words of wisdom about their own experiences as childfree persons. The subject appeared recently in Time Magazine and no doubt will turn up in news outlets again in no time.

The choice of childfreedom is yours. Childfree women (and men), know that you are not alone. I understand, and celebrate the choice with you.

William (Dann) Alexander is a freelance writer and author, based in Nova Scotia, Canada. His book “Planned UnParenthood Creating A Life Without Procreating”, is available through Lulu, Amazon and other online retail sites worldwide.

http://amzn.to/PUJsmQ Amazon US

http://bit.ly/OamxY6 Lulu

http://bit.ly/S5t7Mj The Book Depository

Tags: chikdfree lifestyle, men's opinions, pronatalism
Posted in Men and childfreedom, Uncategorized | No Comments »

October 24th, 2013 by Marcia Davis

Guest Post: “Losing A Friend” By Lance Blackstone

I’m touched and moved by this wonderful share that follows from Lance. Read it. Enjoy it and share it.

Marcia

Losing a Friend

by Lance Blackstone

I have to admit… being childfree has been fairly easy for me. First and foremost the woman I’ve been married to for 18 years, Amy, has known for many years that she doesn’t want kids. Effortlessly being on the same page with my partner has made my choice to be childfree less painful. Additionally, neither my family nor Amy’s has really given us any grief or significant pressure. I haven’t been completely immune though. There have been the occasional offhand comments and questions from family, friends, colleagues, acquaintances, and of course, complete strangers.

The most memorable questions for me have always been some variant of “When are you going to have kids?” The question really never bothered me much – it’s more memorable because of the effect my answer had on the asker. My response varied over time starting with the early “We’re probably not…” evolving to a more solid “Never!” as I became convinced Amy wasn’t going to change her mind about not having kids. In all cases my answer was accompanied by a huge grin. This usually appeared to fluster my questioner…Not having children? And so happy about it? Whuh?

That was always pretty fun for me.

Like I said, I’ve had a pretty easy go of being childfree. But there is one thing that really has affected me. That is watching a number of friends disappear into parenthood.

The list of friends that I’ve lost to parenthood is fairly long. There was the couple that lived in downtown Minneapolis who gave us never-ending shit for living in the suburbs…who then bought a McMansion in the burbs as soon as they got pregnant. There’s the colleague that accidentally knocked up another colleague; the first of an extensive list of bad decisions including marrying the woman and fathering more kids in short order. Like many other friends, after pregnancy, these folks’ lives changed to revolve nearly 100% around their kids. They seemed to acquire new friends, always with kids of their own. Meanwhile, Amy and I were essentially locked out.

Of all the friends I’ve ‘lost’ to parenthood, one in particular sticks out.

My best friend – let’s call him Joe – was a confirmed bachelor for the longest time. We spent a lot of our free time together… coffee shops, bars, and each other’s homes. We brewed beer together, sometimes with explosive results. We both loved to cook and drink Scotch, so gatherings featuring both happened frequently. He was always there for me and I’d like to think I was there for him.

Another bonus was that Joe and my wife were close. It’s not always true that your guy friends get along well with your wife. Trust me on this one. But Joe and Amy did, so when Joe met a woman and they got serious, we easily added her to the friendship. The four of us traveled together fairly extensively including trips to the family cabin in northern Wisconsin, a ten day trip to Scotland, and a long weekend in New York to name a few.

And then about 6 years ago everything changed. Joe and his wife adopted a boy.

Let me say this in no uncertain terms: Joe and his wife are exactly the kind of people you want parenting. They are great parents and they are raising a great kid; a kid that I like a lot. We knew this would be the case and that is why when they asked us to provide a character reference for them we didn’t hesitate.

However I can honestly say that I was horribly naive about how this would affect our relationship. Prior to fatherhood Joe was always the kind of guy that took care of people. He’s the guy that always showed up to help you move or build that deck or, in my case, pick up, acclimate, and put away shipments of marine fish at 2 AM. Suddenly that formidable caring side had a singular target that superseded all other obligations. His son became the center of his world and there was little time, money, or energy for me. This has continued to be true up to the present.

So, do I regret that character reference? Absolutely not. As I said Joe is a great parent and having a child makes him and his wife happy. That makes me happy. There’s also the kid, a boy that was in an orphanage in a 3rd world country, who now has a much better life ahead because of what Joe and his wife chose to do. How could I regret that?

So how does the story end? Joe and I are still friends and always will be but I miss him. I hope that as his boy gets older, Joe will find that he has more time for our relationship. Maybe I’ll have to wait until the boy is a man on his own. Who knows? In any case, I’ll still be waiting for my best friend.

Lance Blackstone and his wife, Amy, run the blog we’re {not} having a baby!.

Lance’s day job involves business analysis – and wishing he didn’t have a day job. He enjoys all things tropical – in particular, snorkeling and scuba diving on tropical islands and, when not on a tropical island, propagating coral in his home reef aquariums. Lance appreciates a fine Scotch or Bourbon now and again. And he’s an atheist with a snarky side.

Amy is a sociology professor who studies childfree families. When not conducting research or teaching, Amy enjoys holding the inside line of the track while skating as Wined Up (#13% abv) for Central Maine Derby, collecting frequent flyer miles, tasting and sometimes cooking kick-ass food of all types, and appreciating wine (preferably crisp, bell peppery whites and stinky, barnyard reds).

Together, we offer musings {sometimes sociological, sometimes snarky, and always entertaining} on the childfree life.

Tags: Childfree Blog Posts, when a childfree friend adopts a child
Posted in Uncategorized | No Comments »

Childfree Reflections

Losing a Friend

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